How to Stop Thinking that Accepting Help is a Sign
of Weakness.
While it may
sound simple enough, accepting help is something that is extremely challenging
for all of us at one time or another. It can be especially hard for those of us
that believe that seeking help undermines our independence and our ability to
cope. However the truth is that by refusing to accept help we ignore the fact
that we are social beings who need to co-operate with one another in order to
ensure that we thrive.
Seeing taking
help from others as a weakness is often a very ingrained pattern of thinking
and may be hard to overcome. However there are ways of changing how you think.
The following suggestions may help you overcome seeing accepting help as a sign
of weakness and allow you to develop a healthier sense of interdependence with
those around you.
Step 1:
Consider
exactly why you think that asking for help is a sign of weakness.
There are
many possible reasons that might be influencing your reluctance to seek help
from others, and it is important to try and narrow down exactly what reasons
apply for you. Without developing insight and understanding why you believe as
you do it will be impossible to make any changes. Some of the following reasons
might be applicable to you, singly or in combination but have an open mind and
consider other possible reasons:
You may feel
that you're totally independent and don't need any help, or that any person
offering you help may be doubting your ability to remain independent. You might
have been raised to be especially independent or felt independent from an early
age as a result of circumstances, such as irresponsible parents resulting in a
need to "raise yourself".
You may be
frightened of rejection or you may have a tendency to perfectionism; both
motivations can cause you to avoid accepting help for fear of failing or being
seen as a failure.
You may have
had a much harder life than others and had to work harder than others you see
around you now, or you may simply feel yourself far more independent.
Consequently, you might feel that people not handling their own affairs is a
sign of inferiority or incompetence.
You might feel
vulnerable. Perhaps somebody let you down in the past and you swore never to
let that happen again, and spun a cocoon of self-reliance as your chief
defense. Not wanting to show your perceived vulnerability can cause you to
refrain from asking for help.
You may feel
that your experience of the insecurity that flows through life (such as through
experiencing a difficult illness or other challenging problem) is something
that you have coped with alone despite wishing you'd had help, and, in turn,
you might wish others get over their own insecurities the same way that you
were obliged to do.
If you're a
business owner or professional of any description, you may be worried that
needing help can serve as a sign of a lack of professionalism. This is also a
problem in public roles where signs of vulnerability may put your position in
harms way.
You may hold a
belief that it is a sign of weakness to reveal any problems at all to any other
person.
You may have an
unresolved issue of your own that you are essentially denying or ignoring.
Consequently, you might have an issue with people seeking help for
difficulties, as it serves as a reminder of your own problems that you're not
wanting to face.
You may also
have had a lot of difficulty finding anyone to help you in various times of
need, and consequently think that people just don't help other people.
These examples
may sometimes be partnered with a feeling that it is socially wrong to ask (or
to be a burden) to friends and family for assistance. Or are hindered by a
personal fear of being judged or portrayed as weak or inferior. Similar fears
are being seen as having friends or family that are weak or inferior, or being
associated with people having problems.
Step 2:
Work through
how not wanting to ever seek help is reinforced by unrealistic ideals and
wishful thinking.
Sometimes there
are conflicting or reinforcing societal ideals that can make it seem a weakness
to seek help. If you understand that these "ideals" are but one among
many approaches to living, you might be better placed to ease off the obsession
with seeing needing help as a weakness. For example:
There is a
common theme running through movies, books and even games, that a hero will
gain the highest glory if he or she faces "impossible" problems and
magically overcomes them on his or her own. Even historical events have been
rewritten to accommodate this unrealistic view of the amazing prowess of
leaders throughout time. The problem with this viewpoint is that most heroes
and leaders have a lot of helpers and supporters unacknowledged in the wings.
Quite often as well there is a lot of just luck - all so easily could things
have ended up differently. These "helpers" may not be obvious but
they are there, and a good hero or leader will be benefiting greatly from the
assistance, advice and input of others. As such, comparing yourself with such
unrealistic portrayals of heroes or leaders will only bring you much
unhappiness. Even the great scientist Isaac Newton wrote, "If I have seen
a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants."[1]
There is a
common tendency to think that you "should" be able to cope alone, to
manage without help, or that "life shouldn't be this way". This is a
tendency to see the world as it "should be" according to very
unrealistic standards, as opposed to seeing the world as it actually
"is" – wanting something to be, or something not to be. This isn't
healthy thinking in the long-term and it is important to identify what you
really want out of life when you feel that you must live through it unaided by
others. Quite often this can be enforced by peer pressure or family views.
Step 3:
Consider
whether your bias to not ask for or seek help has any benefit to yourself and
others. By keeping yourself or making yourself aloof from other human beings,
you are building an invisible barrier around yourself that wards off the
potential for new relationships and friendships. You might feel a sense of
safety but you are missing out on learning about reciprocal give and take,
where you not only take help but also provide help in return, all within a
compassionate cycle of love, care, and generosity for all.
It can be a
somewhat arrogant self-deceit to think that you can give help and advice but
never need to accept it in return. This ultimately just leads to loneliness and
despair as it only serves to isolate yourself from others.
Consider
reciprocity, think about times you've helped others with your own specialties
which can give you confidence in asking others for help or advice.
Take care not
to be bamboozled by the aura of your own expertise. Being trained in one field
of expertise does not provide you with immunity from continuing to seek help
from others within that same field or from other people in other fields. Your
research, advice and practical skills will be all the better for asking for
help from others, as well as gaining access to new methods and ideas that can
make a great benefit for all.
Step 4:
Look to reality
instead of relying on wishful thinking. If you can overcome the underlying
negative reasons as to why you won't seek help, coupled with having a better
understanding of your unrealistic thought patterns, it is possible to start
finding pathways to letting others help you. Some of the things you might
consider doing include:
Learn to accept
offers of help. Recognise that people are acting in good faith in general. If
another person is being kind in offering help, accepting it at face value is
the first step.
The next time
the thought crosses your mind that you could do with help sorting out a
problem, carrying a heavy box, making dinner, working out a work dilemma, etc.,
act on it. Decide on who you will ask, phrase the request in your head, and go
and ask for help.
Don't seek to
ask for help from just anybody. Choose wisely and carefully – avoid people who
make you feel a lesser person in any way, and even with those you do trust,
take it slowly. Find people you really trust to try out asking for help first.
This will allow you to open up bit by bit, and not be exposed to someone who
might not do the right thing by you, or who might make you feel
"weak" for asking.
Step 5:
Expect some
paradoxes. In opening yourself up to others by asking for help, a couple of key
paradoxes will confront you. Rather than seeing this as a challenge, look for
solutions to your concern about being seen as too weak:
Abating your
fear of rejection: In fearing rejection, you open yourself up to allowing
others to be the judge of your worth. This is needier by far than asking for
tangible help! Don't let your self-view be coloured by how you think others
might or might not choose to accept you.
Strength: In
order to seek help, you need to be strong enough to accept that you have
weaknesses (remember, no-one is perfect!), and you need to be stronger still to
accept help. While burying problems may seem strong, it is the same as running
and hiding.
Giving: In
order to get, you need to give. If you keep cutting yourself off from opening
up to others, you risk not sharing your skills, talents, and abilities with
others in need of help. In giving of yourself (your time, your listening ear,
your love, your care, etc.), you are helping another to learn more about you,
to be able to care for you, and to feel that you reciprocate the attention that
they bestow upon you. In helping another person, you cease to focus on
yourself.
And when you cease to focus on yourself, it is far easier to accept
support back from the other.
Trust: In order
to receive help, you need to trust the other person and to trust that you're
worthy of help (self-respect). This might be the hardest part but it is
absolutely vital. Wholesome, accepting, self-assured trust is capable of
absorbing rejection, attracting genuine help, and will easily detect the
occasional exploitative person. (In the case of meeting an exploitative person,
remember that it is about their karma, not your worth.)
Step 6:
Beware the
illusion that all problems are easy or that problems needing solving only apply
to some people. It can be all too easy to dismiss the worth or depth of your
own problems, and thereby seek to apologise for your need for help. There is no
hierarchy of problems, or scale of pain. A problem is a problem, whatever its
ease or difficulty – the litmus test is how much it is impacting you
negatively, preventing you from moving forward. Belittling your problem as not
worthy of being solved only serves to make it even more challenging to cope
with.
Step 7:
Prioritise your
problems. It might help you to develop a system whereby you prioritise your
wish to seek help from other people. If it is a problem you feel you can fix
and actually do so effectively on your own, then do it. If it's one where you
cannot see a way you can deal with it alone, then talk to someone, be it a
friend or trusty confidante about how to fix it on your own, or about who to
ask for assistance.
Let go of the
problems that no one can fix. There lies the greatest strength of all as there
is a big difference between "burying" problems in comparison to
accepting, forgiving and letting them go. If you need help to do that, really
don't be afraid to ask for it.
